I used to want to be fearless. I used to believe that being strong and courageous meant that I was not allowed to be afraid. But I am. I’m human and afraid of so many things. And that is okay. My journey with starting this project has been a long one and it’s taught me so much about my relationship with fear.
I started this blog back in October, but the fear that came with it consumed me. I didn’t feel ready. Although it was a dream that I had held onto for so long, something was holding me back. I began thinking about all the “what if’s”. What if my vision didn’t turn out how I planned? What if people didn’t like it? What if I was not capable of doing all the things I aspired to do? The more I thought about the work I would have to do and how open I would have to be, the more I put off working on it. Maybe it was the responsibility that I was afraid of. Better yet, it was the thought of how much I would have to stretch to encompass a dream that I had tried to shrink for so long.
Either way, I sat on my plans for months. I wouldn’t allow myself to admit that I was afraid, so I danced around my fear with excuses. In the months between October and June, I came up with every excuse that I could think of. I convinced myself that I needed more time, that I didn’t have enough support, and that I was ill prepared. I watched as so many of my peers started blogs and got discouraged. I felt that if so many people were doing it, there couldn’t possibly be any room left for me. But none of those things were true. The truth was that I was afraid. More specifically, I was afraid of my potential. I had been living in a false reality that didn’t affirm who I was for so long, that I was afraid to step into one that did.
Accepting that truth felt like the deepest kind of exhale. I realized that in running from fear, I was giving it the power to control me. When I made room to acknowledge my fears, I gave myself the chance to take my power back. The process of starting this blog has taught me that there is no shame in being afraid. Fear is a natural and necessary part of our existence. Our fears can teach us so much about who we are and what we need if we allow them to. True strength is not the absence of fear, but the ability to remain rooted in love even when fear is present.
So, here I am. Choosing to be rooted in love in the midst of my fear. Welcome to my blog!